By MaryLynne White

When a child responds angrily to a parents message, that message has not gone to the thinking part of the childs brain. No, it has not reached the front part of the brain that does logical, rational thinking and problem solving. It has actually traveled to the part of the brain dealing with emotions. Most people know this as the limbic system, which is located in the central part of the brain. I call this the lizard part of the brain because it has no thinking abilities whatsoever; it merely reacts.

Have you ever noticed how angry, upset children (and some adults) appear as irrational? Theyre in the lizard part of their brain and cant think straight. Theyre not trying to control and manipulate you. Whats happening is something lying underneath the surface of their conscious mind. Underneath the anger is a feeling of fear. Its totally unconscious so usually both parents and children are unaware of it. When a child becomes angry and moves toward a temper tantrum stage of feelings, what the child is non-verbally telling you is: • 'I cant think–Im in the lizard part of my brain and I dont know how to get out of it to the thinking part where I can talk you in a way that makes sense.' • 'I need your help–I dont know what to do; Ive become so upset, Ive regressed to about the age of 2 or 3.' Would you expect a 2 year old to be able to sit down and have a rational, logical conversation with you? I dont think so! And yet, that is the very thing many parents attempt to do when their child is angry and upset. Can you see the waste of energy that gets expended doing this?

What you as a parent can do to help your angry child is to remain calm. Think like a super nanny on the front lines of parenting. The first thing you have to do is to help your child move to the thinking part of his or her brain. To do this, calmly (and with no sarcasm) 1. Ask your child, 'What part of your brain do you think youre using right now, the lizard part or the thinking part?' if the answer is, 'lizard part', then ask, 2. Is that working for you? Are you getting what you want?' If your child tells you 'no', then go the next question, 3. 'What do you need to do to get back to the thinking part of your brain?' If the child says, 'I dont know,' let him or her know you can see the shift has already happened because your child is answering your questions. This is a good thing! 4. If your child has calmed down a bit, ask if he or she needs some time to think about what just happened so you can talk about it together and come up with a way to handle the situation differently next time. If the child responds with a 'no', give a hug and say something like, 'You are always so much nicer when youre using the thinking part of your brain.' Then, walk away.

The next time, youre faced with an angry child ask yourself two important questions before you respond: 1. What part of the brain is my child using right now? 2. At what age do I usually see these behaviors in a child If your child is in the lizard part of the brain and acting like a toddler, this would not be a good time to talk. Get your child so he or she can think rationally, calm down and then go for the talk. You cant talk to a toddler (or anyone else for that matter) when hes upset. Help him calm down simply by acknowledging his angry feelings and be there with a smile and a hug (regardless of how youre feeling). This is a small gesture and will pay big benefits for you down the road.

MaryLynne White Can a Game Really Compel Any Child to Behave? 'How to Become a Super Nanny in Your Own Home! Free Consumer Awareness Guide Shows You How…' http://www.ParentSurvival911.com

MaryLynne has been in the field of child development and counseling, as well as educating and coaching parents professionally for several years. She has assisted families from all over the country to become happier, more structured and improved relationships between children and their parents.